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Writer's pictureakinkandaprayer

Weed over wine, Part 1: alcohol

Updated: Apr 28, 2022

As this blog has been about how PM and I have lit up our married sex life over the past year and half, I’d be skipping an important chapter if I didn’t talk about where alcohol and other substances fall in our journey.


Over the past two years, Preacher Man has discovered something new about my body. After over 20 years together, who knew there were still things he didn’t know? Well, it turns out I didn’t know about it either.

Really, it took us having daily sex sessions for the last...um…495 days or so, give or take, to unlock this mystery. It hasn‘t been a controlled scientific experiment or anything, but the results of our sexperiment, if you will, have been nothing if not consistent.


What is this physiological secret to which we both have now become privy? I can’t come when I’ve been drinking. That’s it. Nothing earth shattering. And yet, being unable to climax, or having it take forever, is friggin’ miserable. 😒 And not just for me, but also for PM, who’s pulling out all the stops to try to get me there.



I’m seriously grateful that he was able to connect the dots on this one.

And this is the reason why, when it’s time for me to meet up with my gal pals for drinks (you know who you are! 😘), I always get a last minute reminder from PM before I walk out the door, not to “overdue it.” Because 9 times of 10, I’m going to come home from the bar all hot and horny, and PM, being the gentleman that he is, doesn’t like to start something he can’t finish — that something being me.


Now the definition of “overdoing it” for me is a little tricky. I can drink some, especially if it’s over a three or four hour period. So there does seem to be some wiggle room for enjoying a pint or two, if I’m careful to stick to brews with lower alcohol content. I don’t have a hard and fast amount, but if I’ve had enough that I’m feeling a bit buzzed, I might as well cancel the night’s showing. Even though I may be feeling frisky, Pussy’s not going to be on her A-game.


Now, when PM and I are chillaxing at home together in the evenings, we’ve cut alcohol altogether.


I know what you’re thinking. The horror! 😱 But just because we’re not drinking, doesn’t mean that we’re 100% sober. This is not a riddle, well, not when the title of this post gives away the answer.


And although this is the year 2022, and 18 states (plus D.C. and Guam) now allow for recreational use of marijuana, with many more states actively debating this issue, I realize that this is a still prickly subject for some.

The use of the cannabis plant is still illegal on the federal level. And public opinion has been heavily influenced over the years by the “War on Drugs” and the Controlled Substances Act of the 1970s, as well as later national anti-drug media campaigns and “Just Say No” education programs such as D.A.R.E.


But times are a changin’. And I suppose a personal sex blog by a minister’s wife is just one more proof of that.

Next week, in part 2 of this post, I’ll talk about our start with recreational cannabis, where we are now, and how it has improved our sex life, in particular for me.


 

A quick PSA

I’m not here to debate legalization, either as a public health or moral issue. Nor am I interested in arguing the safety of cannabis use for adults, not when both alcohol and cigarettes are legal in the US and pose far greater risks to public health and safety.


Both PM and I have graduate degrees and know how to properly research a topic, and we’ve done our due diligence and have come to an informed decision. I won’t argue about the topic either in public blog post comments or over private messaging, so if you feel the need to chastise or warn us, please don’t waste your breath.

But I do urge you to do your own research from sources based in actual scientific studies. And next week I will be sure to include some links to reading on the issue, when I continue this post with part 2, which will focus on our experience with marijuana.

 

But today I‘m going to talk about alcohol and sex and what we’ve learned doesn’t work for us.


In the past, both PM and I would enjoy a few drinks together after the kiddos fell asleep. I know wine seems to be the evening drink of choice for many a mother, but it’s never been my go-to. I’m a beer girl, although I’ve been known to enjoy myself a good whiskey. And I love me a mixed drink, but, if it’s just the two of us, I’m too lazy to put that together for myself. PM switched from beer to whiskey years ago, one big reason being the calories.


But as we’ve gotten older, getting a good night’s sleep has become increasingly important, which is especially true once you have kids. Children are harsh taskmasters, and you can’t just call it in the next day, because you wanted to party the night before.




Booze‘ll put me out like a light, but it’s crap sleep. I find I wake up multiple times over the course of the night and can’t necessarily get right back to sleep. And I‘m really feeling that subpar rest when I have to get up and function in the morning.


This isn’t a surprise, as neuroscience tells us that alcohol does affect sleep patterns. In a NYT article on this topic, Dr. Jennifer Martin of UCLA says about the effect of alcohol on sleep, that it’s “initially sedating, but as it’s metabolized, it’s very activating.” What she’s saying here is that the second half of your night is going to haunt you. Basically your brain reboots after your blood alcohol level has dropped, and that does all kind of weird-ass fuckery with your sleep quantity and quality. (For more information on alcohol and sleep, see the suggested reading list at the end of this post.)

For this reason, PM had already begun shifting away from alcohol in the evenings, at least during the week. But what took us some time to realize was that sleep wasn’t the only thing alcohol was messing with.


We found that if I had a couple of beers in the evening while we wound down for bed, it didn’t matter how horny I was. When it came to getting it on, I couldn’t get off. And it wasn’t for a lack of trying, on either of our parts.



Studies have shown that women feel more sexually aroused after consuming alcohol. No shocker there, given alcohol’s ability to lower inhibitions. And it’s definitely true for me. After a few drinks, I’m feeling sexy and saucy, and I don’t like to take no for an answer. (Note that I’m using the term “woman” here rather than vulva-haver because it’s what’s being used in the literature, not to purposely exclude anyone.)



But here’s the mega downside. These studies also suggest that women who’ve had a moderate amount of alcohol had a decrease in their bodies’ sexual response. This moderate alcohol consumption resulted in a decrease in blood flow to the vagina, and therefore, unsurprisingly, affected their ability to orgasm and orgasm intensity.


You know that pleasant numbing effect you start to feel in the tip of your nose after a few drinks? Yeah, well, turns out those drinks are basically numbing our pussies, too.


To be fair, when the results across multiple studies of alcohol consumption and the female physiological response are compared, the results varied. Meaning, not every woman will have trouble climaxing after moderate alcohol consumption. However, if you‘re finding it hard to peak, those glasses of wine you had to relax in the evening may be the culprit.


Studies show that most men also experience a decreased physiological response relative to their alcohol consumption. But while women tended to report increased libido (even when they’re vaginas were taking a siesta), men tended to report a decrease in sexual arousal with moderate to heavy alcohol consumption.

So if you’ve both had more than one drink, you might be pawing at him for a piece, but he might more interested in getting some sleep. Certainly, research has shown that having two or more drinks before sex has a negative effect on a boner. You know, good ol’ “whiskey dick.” And this erectile impairment lasts several hours after they‘ve finished drinking.


And for men who already struggle with erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, or orgasm/ejaculation issues, even light drinking can exacerbate these problems. So men between 41 and 60, when ED becomes common, should keep this in mind.


So how much alcohol are we talking here? By “moderate” consumption, researchers mean about 2-3 “standard drinks,” equivalent to about 24-36 oz. of beer, 10-15 oz. of wine, or 3-4.5 oz. of hard liquor. This shakes out to be about 2-3 bottles (or 2 pints) of beer, or 1 glass of wine, or 2 fingers of whiskey or shots of vodka, gin, etc.


That’s not a lot of booze. I certainly don’t feel like I’m drunk after a glass of wine or a couple of beers. However, researchers have shown that physiologically, even if we’re safe to drive, our genitals may already be falling over and taking a piss in the flower bed outside the pub.


So that one glass of red wine may put us in the mood for a shag, but science says we’re cutting off blood flow to our hoohahs, ladies.

While a couple drinks may feel like a good social lubricant to put me and my partner in a naughty mood, in the end, neither one of our crotches is going to perform well.


 

As a quick aside, as I’ve stated before, I’m not a medical professional. This blog is about my married sex life, and as monogamous sexual partners, PM and I don’t run the obvious risks associated with drinking/substance-use and casual sex or unsafe sex. For more reading on this topic, see the reading list below.

I also haven’t addressed the prevalence of alcohol use as a precursor to sex by women who have suffered sexual trauma. Alcohol intoxication as a coping mechanism in order to dissociate from a sexual experience can lead to alcohol and other substance abuse.

For a first-person narrative of one woman’s experience of her dependence on alcohol to have sex and her journey toward healing, see this essay from HuffPost, “I Needed A Drink (And More) In Order To Have Sex With My Husband,” by Laura Cathcart Robbins, from Jan. 20, 2020. Like so many women, I’m not without my own “Me too” experiences, but this narrative was a powerful and eye-opening read. She writes, “I’d really thought I was dead inside when it came to sex ― unsalvagable, damaged goods. But who knew that not drinking could actually be better for your sex life because it increases intimacy (once you get past all of that bumbling awkwardness)? And who knew I wasn’t dead inside, just dormant, like a willow tree in the winter?”

 

I hope I haven’t disappointed too many readers in failing to talk about cannabis use this week. Making this a two-part post was not my original plan. I had intended to write it all as one article. But, alas, our family’s turn has finally come, and the majority of my family (including PM and myself) became sick with COVID this past week. *sigh* I am grateful, however, that it waited until all of us but one were fully vaccinated (still waiting on that toddler version) and that our symptoms have been generally mild.


But I’ve been hit the hardest of the three of us who tested positive, and I’m struggling to stay awake and even get this first part of a now two-part piece written. So forgive me if I sound a little muddled. And try to remember the famous parenting adage: you get what you get, and you don’t get upset.


But I sincerely hope that you will check back in next Tuesday for Part 2, where I talk about our experience combining cannabis and sex.


Until next time, stay kinky 😉


 

Sources and additional reading

On alcohol and sleep, see “Why Does Alcohol Mess With My Sleep?“ by Amelia Nierenberg, The New York Times online, Jan. 25, 2022.


For further reading on the topic of alcohol and sex, see the following:


“Alcohol and Female Sexuality: A Look at Expectancies and Risks,” by Jeanette Norris, from Alcohol Health and Research World, 1994.

“The Pros and Cons of Mixing Sex and Alcohol,” by Michael Castleman, from Psychology Today, July 1, 2019.

On the association of alcohol and risky sexual behaviors, see this review of research literature, Factors influencing the relationship between alcohol consumption and risky sexual behaviour among young people: A systematic review,“ by Cassandra Wagenaar, Maria Florence, Sabirah Adams and Shazly Savahl, in Cogent Psychology, 2018, vol. 5 issue 1.

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