It’s like an itch under my skin. A need growing in urgency. An ache emanating from my core, nagging at me. I need a climax, and I need it bad.
I have those times on occasion when my whole body is just aching to get dicked down.
Is it likely a hormone-cycle thing? Sure. I absolutely have certain times during the month that I’m practically foaming at the mouth in need of a good shag. But, regardless of the cause, damn, it’s real, and it’s all-consuming when it hits.
At these times what I desperately need is two hours alone in the house with PM. I need to be cuffed and kneeling. I need him to murmur in my ear the things he wants to do to me. I need him to devour me and then fuck me through the mattress until I see stars. *groan*
But, alas, that kind of sexathon‘s not always in the cards. Really, it's not often in the cards with three kiddos. And yet, perhaps against all odds, we both usually manage to get off with each other at least once a day. Sometimes more than once.
Why so often?
I say, why not? Orgasms are friggin’ amazing, and the only thing better is having them on the regs. I mean, there’s a reason they’re so fabulous — Mother Nature has to ensure we continue the species, after all.
I mean, orgasms are simply a physiological response — a release of neuromuscular tensions — to a peak in sexual arousal. But, Christ Almighty. All the stress and tension that I’ve accumulated — all the calendar managing, meal planning, homework supervising, housework and clothes laundering, play date arranging, child-hygiene overseeing, and so on — I can let it all go and finally relax and be in the moment.
But I suppose the real question is how we’re getting this done daily, with a busy family. Because the truth is, while there are times when all I want to do is jump his bones, a lot of the time I’m busy with this or that, and I‘m not up for sex. And I’m often not in the mood for just a quickie. Because, and I’ll be frank here, I’m probably not getting off from a quick ride on the PM Bone Train.
Sure, there are occasions where I look to my own personal stash of pleasure devices and take matters into my own hands, as it were. And I’ll have to share a list of some of my favorite toys another time.
But again, I’m going to be honest. Cue whiny voice here: It’s not the friggin’ same. I can pretty easily give myself a clitoral orgasm, whether manually or with a toy, but that’s not normally what I want, or need, really. What can I say? I’m a grown-ass woman, and I’ve become accustomed to a certain quality of orgasm.
I want my combined orgasms, dammit. I don’t get the same level of total body relaxation with a simple clit peak. I need both clitoral and vaginal stimulation to really get off well.
And yes, yes, I know there are toys for that, too, and I’ve got multiple variations for penetration. But I’m going be straight with you: I want thrusting, and that shit ain’t easy to manage by myself while also giving my clit the attention it needs. To really get the climaxes I crave, the ones that make me feel like I’ve been given an entire mind and body tune-up, I need my partner.
According to a 2018 study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, a vulva-owner needs an average of 14 minutes of sexual stimulation during heterosexual intercourse in order to climax. (For more on this study, see this article.) This is opposed to the penis-haver, who can get it done in an average of 5-6 minutes through vaginal intercourse. That’s a substantial disparity. And that's not considering the additional time it takes for a vulva-haver to climax when they've been repeatedly interrupted by their children or their pets or whatever. It takes us time.
And herein lies the problem with the quickie. Sure, they're great for an owner of a penis, who can get off in 5 minutes with penetration alone. And it would be lovely if all I needed to climax was the same penetration that will do it for my penis-owning partner. The fact of the matter is, though, that the majority of vulva-havers need clitoral stimulation. It's just how we're wired.
On the off-chance that you're reading my blog and still don't understand the workings of a vulva-owner's body when it comes to sexual pleasure, see my previous post The Untold Story of the Clitoris.
So, back to the how. Because, believe it or not, PM and I are managing to both achieve mind-blowing orgasms every friggin' day. And we don't need to fit a 2-hour sex sesh into our busy day to get 'er done.
Well, after 20 years of marriage and three children, PM and I have officially banned the term “foreplay.”
Now I know this seemingly flies in the face of everything else you and I have read on how to have better sex –– because, yes, vulvas need extra time and attention in order for their owners to climax. This is a fact. So before you dismiss me entirely, try and hear me out.
By “foreplay,” I mean the erotic activities –– the sex play, if you will –– that act as a warm-up for intercourse. It's the broad term used for a whole host of sexual play that folks do to stimulate desire and arousal before having sex –– kissing, touching (stroking, caressing, teasing), oral sex, manual stimulation, sharing fantasies, whatever floats your boat, really.
And all of these activities are friggin’ amazing, and in fact, we engage in them every day. But as I said, PM and I refuse to buy into the “foreplay” model. Confused yet? *grimace*
Let me try to make it clearer. When I say that we've done away with the concept of "foreplay," I don't mean that we've done away with the activities that typically fall under the purview of "foreplay." When we have intercourse, we certainly do not jump straight to the P in the V, without any preceding sexy fun. I mean, seriously, I've already said how much I love me a 2-hour sexathon, and I certainly don't mean that we're intercoursing (I'm almost certain that's not a real verb, but you get my drift) the entire time.
The problem is the idea that "foreplay" activities have to inevitably lead to penetrative sex. To get technical, that’s what the word ”foreplay” means, right? The sexy stuff (the suffix “-play“) that you do to get ready for (the prefix “fore-“) the grand final. What PM and I have rejected is not the play itself that precedes sex, but rather the idea that intercourse should have to follow after these sexual activities. It's the belief that sex play is just a precursor to vaginal intercourse that we've decided just doesn't work for us.
Married sex is so often talked about in terms of plenty of "foreplay" followed by vaginal intercourse. And sure. That’s one way of looking at sex. But the fact of the matter is, we don’t have the time or the energy at this point in our lives to engage in this type of sex every day.
Some folks might consider what went down between PM and me in my post Distract Me to be “foreplay.” One might assume that there would be an expectation, at least on PM’s part, that penetrative sex would follow. And in the past, I think there definitely was that expectation.
In our early years of marriage, if we engaged in any sort of intimate contact, touching or even kissing, I felt a lot of pressure to put out, not from PM but internally from myself, whether I was in the mood for sex or not. (What can I say? Our conservative Christian upbringing and their view on sex really fucked me up.) And the result was that I tended to avoid any sort of suggestive situation if I wasn’t in the mood to have sex. So this idea that sex play represented "foreplay" such that, for a happily married couple, these activities should lead to vaginal sex, really messed with my head. And as a result, it severely limited our sex life for a long time.
And, in fact, that was largely our formula over our many years together. Some hand play, you each go down on each other for a few minutes, and then you get down to the deed, that is, penetration. All in all, we usually finished on average in about 30 minutes, and I’d achieve climax around 80% of the time. Not bad at all.
But then again, in the past we were only having sex about twice a week. Because, in all seriousness, once we became adults with adult responsibilities (jobs, home ownership, grad school, pets, children, etc.), there weren‘t too many windows for us in a given week where we 1) both felt up to having sex at the same time (or maybe, more accurately, where I felt up to having sex, as PM is pretty much always ready to rock), and when we 2) could actually have the time and privacy to really get it on. And while I was largely happy with this arrangement for a long time, PM was not. He really wanted more frequent sex, and so he was not getting his sexual needs met.
So how did we move from only having intercourse twice a week to us both climaxing at least once a day? And how does this relate to our rejection of the idea that sex play has to involve intercourse?
Let me clarify these two issues by giving an example of what “sex“ on a daily basis looks like for us now.
This morning, before PM and I had to get out of bed to get kiddos ready for the day, I gave PM a blowjob. I could hear the kids starting to stir and make their way downstairs, so I knew didn’t have a whole lot of time. I asked him if he wanted me to blow him before he got up. He had a few minutes to spare, so, of course, the answer was “YES!” I whipped off my sleep top, because the visual, pushed back the covers, and sucked him off.
Now it wasn’t a super long drawn out session or anything. I do love to edge this man, to really make him sweat, which is a pastime that I will absolutely talk another time. But this was just a quick cock sucking before he had to start his day.
After he finished, we got up and went about our normal day — PM presumably a lot more relaxed than he would have been otherwise. Later that evening when the kiddos were asleep and we were cuddled up on the couch, binging on our latest Netflix series (it’s the Korean show Thirty-nine, btw), PM made sure I got mine.
After playing with my nipples for a good long while as watched our show, he moved to sliding a hand down my pajama bottoms. When his fingers circling my clit got too distracting for me to keep watching TV, he paused the show, pulled off my pants and went down on me while he finger-fucked me. After I recovered from my orgasm and felt like I was back in my body again, we finished watching our show, before heading to bed. On this particular occasion, we spooned a little, and PM’s hands got to roaming, which turned into a Prone Bone, before we fell asleep. This last sesh was definitely a quickie, and I did not finish. But, hey, I just had a mind-bending orgasm on the couch, so I wasn’t complaining.
That’s what sex and daily orgasms look like in our relationship. The timing and specifics are not always the same. And the steamy activities for the day don’t always include cock in pussy. But the end result of getting each other off every day is the same.
So in rejecting the idea that sex play needs to be thought of in terms of "fore-play," we've redefined what sex means for us. We’ve embraced the idea that P in the V does not need to be the goal. What we’re reaching for in our sex life is sexual satisfaction for the both of us, and with a busy, messy life, sex isn’t always going to look like conventional vaginal intercourse.
We’ve come to the conclusion that for our sex life 1) all sex-play does not need to be a precursor to sex, 2) “sex” for us has a broader definition and does not have to mean just “intercourse” (sorry, President Clinton), and 3) “sex” at any given time does not need to end in both of us getting off. I’ll talk more about number 3 in Part 2 of this series on getting that daily orgasm, but, ultimately, it's been a combination of these ideas that set us on a road toward a total transformation of our sex life.
A little note on communication. Yes, PM and I have actually talked all this through together. Right now we have an amazingly hot sex life. I mean, daily orgasms?! –– we're both pretty thrilled with what we have going on. And our being able to talk about what each of us needs and what we're willing and able to contribute to fulfill those needs has been vital in getting us here. We are life partners, after all, so we try to approach sexual needs in the same way that we would any other decision that we have to make.
So now that PM and I have banned the idea of “foreplay” and redefined for ourselves the very idea of sex, we're climaxing more and friggin' happier for it. In Part 2 of this post, I'll share about how taking turns and keeping a climax scorecard of sorts has ensured that we are both sexually satisfied and feeling wanted and appreciated.
Until next time, stay kinky 😉
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