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On guarding my erotic self (and delay of Part 2)

Part 2 of "what I learned after two years of daily sex" is getting postponed. 😞 Until at least early next week. If you're a subscribed member of A Kink and A Prayer, you'll get an announcement from me when it's been published. If you're not a member, what are you waiting for? 😆

I truly am sorry Part 2 is not yet finished. I know! I know! I'm the worst! But our 4-year-old had a stomach bug mid-week, which means I had very little time to work on and finish Part 2. On the plus-side, I've never had someone projectile vomit on my face before, so there's that. (Feel bad for me, people!)

And to top it off, I had an awkward and humiliating exchange with my former-crush a few days ago that did a number on my erotic ego and had me bummed out and wallowing in negative thoughts, which, in turn, made any writing about fun, sexy Molly impossible.

If you've followed along with me over the last spring and summer, you know how badly I was crushing on one particular man. And you also know how I wasn't sure what my former-crush thought of my attention? (And, yes, I'm going to continue using the word "former" even though it's clear I'm still hung up on him.🫣) Well, I'm going to say that I know now without a doubt that he does not find me attractive and does not want my attention. *shrugs and frowns* I'm not ready to share the story -- the embarrassment and shame are still too fresh -- but maybe in the future.

The bigger question that needs answering in regards to this whole fucking crush business is why I'm attracted to men who don't even notice me. And why I seem to have a compulsion to do things that only prove how unappealing I am to them. *sighs* But I'm promising myself that I'm going to just avoid this man for the next 6 months. *cringes* It may turn out to be tricky on occasion, but whatever. I need to stop pining over a man who doesn't really see me.

Ugh. Sometimes I wish I could go back to a time when my erotic self was off-line. When it was hibernating. When sexual attraction was off my radar because I was elbows deep in graduate school or changing diapers. When I didn't really notice others sexually (much) -- PM included -- and so didn't really notice how they might be perceiving me. Now that I've reawakened my sexual self, I'm all raw and vulnerable. And it sucks.

But I'm reminded of something I wrote last summer in "Heartbroken: a letter to my unrequited crush":

"I’ve been trying to be open, to accept and be myself with everyone, to live in the moment, to soak up life. But opening myself up to the possibilities of joy also means being open to being hurt."

And it's that last part that keeps me going. Without risk I could never be open to surprise, thrill, mystery, delight, seduction. And all of these things go hand in hand with passion and desire. *shrugs*

I don't want for my erotic self to go back into hibernation. And so I'll get hurt sometimes. I'll feel rejected. But I'm hoping that next time around, I'll have learned something essential about myself and won't question my sexiness, my charisma, and my desirability, because of some man who clearly has poor taste.

Plus, I'm lining up some irons for the erotic fire this summer, so I do look forward to that. More on that another time. *grins mischievously*

So, please pop on over to the site on Tuesday, as I should have Part 2 finished and published by then.

Until next time, stay kinky 😉

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