In my last blog post I talked about the nightly Netflix and Chill habit that helps keep things hot between PM and me. But as much as we can, we also try to set aside time during the day to go to town on one another. These times where we're alone and undisturbed help make sure we're both getting off and getting off often. Mmhmm.
And as I've said before, if I’m climaxing more, it makes me want to have sex more often. And if we're engaging in sexual activities more often, I'm having more orgasms. (Or at least, I should be.) And if I'm having more orgasms, I'm happier and healthier, and when Mom's happy, let's face it: things go better for everyone.
I often use the phrase “alone time” in my blog, and that’s because this idea is something that our family values and puts a lot of emphasis on. When the kids are feeling overwhelmed by big emotions, or when they start to get on each other’s nerves, one way that we try to help them work through these tough spots is teaching them the importance of taking some alone time, or with them, we often use the term “space,” as in I/she/he/they “needs space right now.”
If one of us feels we need space, we speak up and tell those around us, and the rest of the family needs to respect that legitimate need. I remember Two’s preschool teacher telling us that they asked the class for their ideas of what they could do if one of their friends was feeling upset. Two‘s answer to her teacher’s question was that they could give that person space. We were so pleased to find out that our children were internalizing this idea, because we all need space sometimes. And this is true whether you’re an extrovert like me or more of an introvert like PM.
There’s that old adage that says you can’t pour from an empty cup. If I’m not taking care of myself, if I’m feeling depleted and not attending my own needs, I won’t be able to give anything to others. For my kids, if they’re feeling overwhelmed by a situation or by their own emotions, they need to process those feelings before they’re going to be able to have positive interactions with those around them. What their “space” often looks like is crafting by themselves, or reading in a quiet spot, or playing by themselves, or maybe just taking some time to be angry and cry and yell in their room.
As adults we understand this to be part of self-care — taking time for ourselves to work through things or to relax and be mindful or to indulge in something that brings us pleasure or just to do whatever we need to in order to feel like ourselves again.
Of course, when we had kids, taking time for this sort of adult self-care became much harder, especially for me as a mother. I found that I even took a kind of masochistic pride in ignoring my own needs in favor of my children’s, of becoming a sort of a martyr for my children. But I found that when I wasn’t feeling a sick pleasure in denying myself, I was feeling worn out and resentful. I’m not being the best version of my self, or even the best mother I can be, if I’m burning the candle at both ends.
As I’ve gotten older, I’m finding it a little easier to recognize my own needs and make them a priority. For me this might mean meeting friends for drinks or taking a pottery class. And I’m grateful that PM often recognizes more than I do when I need to take some time for myself, and he not only encourages me but also takes action to make it easier for me to do so. Granted, sometimes he only realizes it because I just went nuclear on everyone‘s ass, but still, he‘s quick to recover and ferry the minions off with an easy, “Kids, Mom needs some alone time right now.
It’s natural for our children to want unfettered access to us all of the time. They’re still learning how to see the world beyond themselves and their own needs. When I first started taking that pottery class and going out with friends afterwards, One, in particular, did a lot of grumbling about my leaving them to be put to bed by someone else, whether by Dad or a grandparent if PM wasn’t available. But we talked a lot about how Mom needs the chance to do things she likes, just like they get to do extracurricular activities or go on play dates. And eventually they got used to the routine change, and Two would often happily ask me how my “school” was going.
Developing the ability to see and care about the needs of others, and sometimes adjusting our own wants and needs in response, is a basic part of growing up into a mature, compassionate person. And our children are learning to understand the need for their adults to have self-care, as it’s not unlike their own occasional need for space.
Animals do this naturally. We own a book about lion cubs, and in it there‘s this great picture of a lioness snarling at her cub because she needs a friggin’ break.

I empathize completely with this lioness. Sometimes Mama is all touched out and just needs some room to breathe. And when I neglect myself, everyone’s gonna suffer.
*grimaces*
But I’ve also found that my relationship with PM can easily become one of the things that I push aside for the sake of my children. For some reason, I find it easier to recognize my need for self-care than I do to notice our need for relationship-care. Maybe it’s because I hear so much about the need for self-care, or maybe it’s just easy for me to buy into the belief that a good parent should give as much as they can of themselves to their children. *shrugs* Whatever the reason, as parents we give and we give and we give, all day long, all week long, and then there’s nothing left to give to one another.
But when PM and I allow our relationship to be martyred for our kids, I honestly believe we’re failing them. We’re failing to demonstrate that love takes work. Love is not something we magically fall into and then miraculously just stay there. If we don’t put the time in to keep our relationship healthy, it’s not going to survive. And I don’t want to be that couple that is only together because of the kids. I don’t want to be so focused on our children and what they need, that when they grow older and get lives of their own, PM and I find we aren’t on the same page anymore.
What does relationship-care look like for PM and me? Well, I’ll tell you what it doesn’t look like. I friggin‘ hate the concept that married couples should have regular “date nights.” I’m not entirely sure why I feel this way. Maybe because it seems so contrived to me — as if going out on a special date once a week is going to keep my spouse and me feeling connected. Now, I don’t want to hate on something that someone else feels keeps the love alive in their marriage. If regular date nights with your spouse makes you both feel like you’re still on the same page as a couple (a page that isn’t specifically related to your kids), then that’s clearly part of the relationship-care you need and you should do it. I suppose what I don’t like about the idea of scheduling regular date nights is that it’s often propagated as a formula for marital success, especially for marriage after kids. The reality is that if PM and I are not making time and space for one another outside that one night a week, there’s no date in the world that’s going to keep our relationship alive.
For PM and I, relationship-care is trying to sit and have coffee with one another at least once a day. It’s accompanying the other while they run an errand. It’s one of us jumping in the shower with the other, and not necessarily for anything overtly sexual — we might only have time to kiss a little and wash each other’s backs before we have to run. It’s Netflix and Chill after the kids go to bed. And it also means setting boundaries with the kids so that we can have time alone together to meet our sex and intimacy needs, at a time of day when we’re not exhausted and ready for sleep.
Those small snatches of time where we can get away from the kids for a little while and go to town on one another are what we have affectionately dubbed our “alone time.” Most of the time, our "alone time" happens with the kids at home, awake but elsewhere in the house. Yes, we could just wait until the kids are all asleep, and we do –– that's what our Netflix and Chill routine is all about, after all –– but we don't always have the time or the energy in the evening for us both to get to the finish line. Having time alone together before we get to that final push toward bedtime takes some of the pressure off, so to speak. It helps ensure that we're both having our sexual needs met, no matter how things go down (or who goes down 😉) during our evening together on the couch.
How alone time happens with the kids at home and awake is pretty simple, really. We tell the kids that we’re going to our room to have “alone time.” Mom and Dad love each other, we explain, and we miss each other, and we need “alone time” together. Just like you each need space sometimes, Mom and Dad do, too. And, of course, this is usually where we plug them into a movie. They’re reminded that we’re not to be disturbed unless it’s an emergency (blood, fire, flood, other acts of god, etc.). Not because they’re hungry right now. Not because they’re bored. Not because their sibling is bothering them or said something mean to them. Not because they can’t find [insert name of object]. If I’m really thinking ahead, I’ll even set them up with snack food. Exterior doors are locked and dead-bolted, and then we’re off to our bedroom.
Does it help that we have more than one child to keep each other company while we’re otherwise engaged? Sure. It definitely helps. But for our family I think it’s really all about setting healthy boundaries and respecting one another’s need for space. It’s not uncommon that we have only one child in the house during “alone time”. Are we more likely to be interrupted by a knock at the bedroom door when there’s only one kiddo at home? Maybe. But honestly, all three of them are naturally terrible at respecting other people’s needs, and so it’s always a work in progress.
Now, are there other productive things we could be doing while the kids are occupied for an hour and a half? Sure. There are repair projects around the house, laundry that needs folding (but honestly, when is there not?), a growing pile of paperwork that needs going through, closets that are in desperate need of organizing. But for PM and me, practicing relationship-care means we choose to let some responsibilities slide a little. It means establishing limits with our kids for the sake of our relationship, and sometimes it even means downright ignoring them.
We look at it this way: What’s worse? Having our kids watch a little extra TV? Or our kids having parents who are sick of each other? Telling our kids that we're unavailable to them for the next two hours? Or allowing our relationship to slowly fizzle out? It did take a few weeks for them to adjust to the idea that there would be times when we wouldn't be at their beck and call. And even now, occasionally one of them shows up to pound on our door and to make some demand. But, by and large, our kids eventually accepted that their parents need “alone time”.
Sure, in the beginning we also made threats of taking away their precious television/screen time should they* disturb us. (*I like to emphasize collective guilt here. When they know they stand or fall together, there's more incentive for them to try to work out problems themselves. In fact, there are often times when we're in our room and we can hear one of the younger ones upset about something and the oldest trying to settle them down. "Or else Mom is going to come down and take away TV time!" she'll say.) It takes work, but they are getting it.
And if I need more of a reason to make a habit of couple "alone time" than simply keeping my relationship off life-support, I look at it this way: I am doing my children a huge solid by not allowing my relationship to be a martyr for my children. PM and I are modeling healthy boundaries and healthy relationships. Everyone needs space sometimes, including parents from their children and vice versa, and our kids are learning, albeit slowly, to respect that.
And PM and I both strongly believe it shouldn’t be a shock to our children that their parents actually like each other and want to spend time with one another. When they’re old enough to know what’s really going down behind that Iocked bedroom door (YES, we lock that friggin' door!! They’ll get over it!!), sure, they’ll be all kinds of grossed out. But it’ll also plant a seed deep in their little subconsciouses about what a happy marriage looks like.
PM read once that the one of the best things a parent can do for their kids is for the parent to get a life (I'll cite the source as soon as I find it). For PM and I, that means more than just finding things outside our home and family that we are each passionate about. It also means nurturing a mad passion for one another by discovering the habits and activities that help turn up the heat between us.
And as many of us are thinking about special ways to spend time with our special someone in advance of Valentine’s Day, I hope that our institution of “alone time” will inspire you all to make some sexy space for you and your partner on the regs.
Until next time, stay kinky 😉
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